Category
Rants
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01.01.03The Art of Standing StillGoing down to Covent Garden today, and I'm fully expecting to run into more than a few of these ridiculous street performers. So let me get this straight. You just sort of stand still, do you? And that's it? That's the sum total of your artistic pursuit, is it? Standing still for a while? Maybe posing a bit? Maybe covering yourself in white paint? Well blow me down if I don't give you an Academy award on the spot for your breathtaking talent and originality.Everywhere you go in Europe these days, from Liverpool to Lausanne, there are two things you're ...
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12.16.02On ShortsWith the good weather comes an unfortunate unpeeling of fabric, and with that comes an inevitable increase in sightings of pale flesh on the streets of London. So, shorts. How do we feel about them, then? Despite what the image on the right may lead you to believe, I don't do shorts. It's not a fashion thing, but a shame thing. With knees like mine? You must be kidding. I did them in school, briefly, but not when you might have expected. Shorts weren't an option in PE class - why would you allow children to run freely when you could ...
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12.16.02What a Load of RubbishI greeted the recent news that Blair et al are considering charging householders for the rubbish they put out for the binmen with some reserve.On one hand, it seems fair to encourage people to recycle more by charging them for the volume of rubbish (rather than recycling) they produce. We should all be producing less rubbish, because we run the risk of having nowhere left to put it all. Fact.However, the scheme proposed throws up some questions in my mind:By charging people for household waste, wouldn't this lead to an increase in fly-tipping? People creeping out of their homes under ...
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12.16.02On PhotoboothsThis morning I had to quickly get some passport pictures taken for a security pass. It was one of those "retake your pose again and again and again until you are happy" machines, so I thought I was safe - though I should have remembered the cardinal rules of photo-me booths: the customer will:a) never be happy and b) will always look like a pale, lopsided, spotty, fat, bad-haired version of themselves. Nevertheless... Pose One: Ok, here we go. Hmmm. Pretty OK, but everyone knows you can never use the first pose. That's like running on the first ball. The ...
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12.16.02Rules of the RoadHi, I'm a pedestrian. You might remember me from such signs as "children walking hand in hand" or "old people crossing".You might also be familiar with the green lit figure that shows it's safe to cross the road.In general - and I'm only talking legality and common sense here, rather than anything else - the little green man means that it's safe for pedestrians like me to cross the road. Safe, that is, if you don't count dodging or being bodychecked by the cyclists to whom the laws of this country apparently do not apply. Charging through a red light? ...
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12.16.02On FriendshipSomeone whose opinion I value highly said something to me earlier, which really struck a chord: "You've got to stop feeling indebted to carry friends when said friends don't treat you like a friend would at all" He's got a point, you know. I tend to carry people, because I am a fixer. If I see a way I can help, I try to. I don't like seeing people suffer on a point of principle, and I find it hard to walk away, because I end up feeling that if I don't help, and the person ends up suffering, or getting worse, then ...
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12.08.02Who signs off the sign-off process?(Excerpt from Just Monkeying Around: life in the trenches of the new media revolution, a forthcoming book by Ima Fakenayme) A: So, I've done the thing I was supposed to do. I've checked it and it's fine, but I thought I'd let you know before I get X to sign off on it. B: OK. Can I have a look? A: Sure Here you go. C: Hey, what's that? Can I see? A: Er, of course. It finished now, though. C: Oh yes, I realise that. But could you do it in blue? B: I was thinking red might be better, but only because you said blue, ...
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12.08.02Monarch of the GrimOh dearie me. Not so long ago, I was saying that Monarch of the Glen is a guilty pleasure for a Sunday night. Well, I was wrong.It was a cheesy pleasure, and now it's unbearably poor. The main problem is that it seems to have turned into a scottish version of an inner city hospital drama - McCasualty - a show in which various things happen, the script is ludicrously full of holes, and the whole plot is tied up genially within an hour-long episode. It's so neat. It's so planned. The show used to be all long-ranging plotlines, developing ...
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12.08.02Movies on the MoveWent to see LOTR at the Odeon Leicester Square. Our arrival was heralded by a sparkle of paparazzi flashes and a huge cheer from the waiting crowd - although it later transpired that they were actually waiting for Joshua Hairnet and crew to show up to the premiere of Black Hawk Down. Ah well. I'll save my mumblings on the movie for another time - suffice to say for the moment that it was visually spectacular, and there was a lot of it. An arse-numbing three hours, in fact. There was also a lot of it in the sense that there ...
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12.08.02Little Miss MannersTell me, is it wrong to harbour a seething annoyance at a neighbouring colleague who has a persistant and irritating laugh, like a creaking door, which he uses not only when he finds something wildly amusing (and trust me, his amusement threshold is staggeringly low) but also when he wants to fill an unseemly gap in conversation?Example #1: Me: Oh, you're in late today...Him: Yes, I had to wait for someone to fix my boiler. Hehehehehehehe.Example #2: Woman: Did you have a good new year?Him: Yes, I went away. Hehehehehehe.Example #3: Him: Do you have a stapler?Bloke: Sure, here you ...
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