Category
Observations
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03.16.03FlowersSay, for example, it's your birthday. And say, hypothetically speaking, you were sent flowers, which arrived in the office and brightened your day immensely. As you were walking home, you might find yourself in a quandary about how to carry them, without looking ridiculous. In the process of this gentle perambulation, you might realise that there are in fact six main carrying stances: 1. The Bride Stance: Single or double-handed, bouquet held in front of the body. Notes: Tendency to look like blushing bride. Must avoid slow-walking, or wearing of white clothing. 2. Nonchalant Stance: Single-handed, bouquet held upright but tilted at a slight angle. Notes: Pose ...
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03.06.03Citylink FlierThe rules which do not apply to you include red lights, no smoking signs, one way streets and age limit instructions. These rules do not apply to you becayse you are different. You see yourself as some sort of exceptional exception - different and perhaps slightly more important than the rest of us. If there is a double seat with a window, and a double seat where the view is obscured by a wall, you and your big-haired husband are automatically entitled to the spot with the view - despite the fact that I've been sitting in it since four stops ago. ...
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01.01.03On WaitingI hate waiting. I'm really bad at it. See, I'm impatient at the best of times, and P frequently accuses me of wanting everything at once. It's true. Despite my previous assertion that I measure out life in doses of delayed gratification, the truth is that that's fine as long as I'm the one delaying it. Making myself wait, fine. Other people making me wait, very unfine indeed. If someone says they'll pop over this afternoon sometime, I'm completely stuck. Since they might arrive and interrupt me at any time, it's difficult to start anything properly - you can't embark on ...
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01.01.03CrazyIt was easy to sleep in this morning. Easy in the warm dark room and the comfy bed. Easy in the shadow of two days of training, and the prospect of a hard day back at the coalface. Easier still because I forgot to set the alarm.I woke up spontaneously at a few minutes before six, had a brief sleepy conversation with P (which he doesn't remember), opened the window to ease the stuffiness a little, briefly considered going to the gym and then conked back out again. For another three and a half hours.At nine twenty-four, I was asleep ...
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01.01.03Urban LegendI was witness to the birth of a bit of gossip today. That is to say, I was there when something happened, and then as both time and people moved on, I watched and heard it evolve into something quite different, culminating in my neighbour telling me the most extreme version of the story as I dropped off a letter which had come to me in error. This afternoon, I was on the number six bus, on the way back from Oxford Street (a word to the wise: anyone wishing to retain their sanity should really avoid both street and ...
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01.01.03Train SerenadeStanding on the train, there's a guy in a flak jacket and work boots without laces. He's standing because there's nowhere to sit, and suddenly, he starts singing, in a hearty croon:Lots of girls and lots of boys Lots of smells and lots of noise Playing football in the park Kicking pushbikes after dark Baggy trousers, dirty shirt Pulling hair and eating dirt Teacher comes to break it up Back of the 'ead with a plastic cup. Baggy trousers, baggy trousers, baggy trousers... People look around nervously. We're not sure about people who sing on trains - especially not those who ...
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01.01.03Strangely FamiliarEvery morning I get on the tube at the same stop, at about the same time. Every morning for the last year and a half, I've seen the same guy on the platform. He's fairly distinctive, not hard to miss. He's about my height (5'10"ish), olive skin...looks a bit like Ruud Guillet with mid length kinda skinny dreads, wears headphones, chunky combats, carries a record bag and probably works in noomeeeja (we all do, darlink). Anyway, for eighteen months, every day we both get on the tube at about the same carriage, sit or stand listening to MD player (him) ...
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01.01.03Space InvadersLike children with chocolate cake, we are all experts of division. We know in an instant how big something is and how much of that we deserve - or rather, how much is fair. On trains we are conscious of the space around us. We become experts in estimating the number of travellers in the carriage, dividing by the total number of seats, calculating exactly how much space we are entitled to. Four seats per person. Then, at the next stop, as people get on, two per person, and so on. We distribute ourselves equally over the given area, like ...
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01.01.03My Little SausageIn the Peak District village where I lived when I was writing my Masters' dissertation, there was a man called Mr Binns, who ran the local newsagent. Every morning, procrastinating the writing-up process, I would walk the two miles into the village to buy milk and a paper. Plopping The Guardian down on the counter, on top of copies of the local free rag (the High Peak Courier, I seem to remember) and next to see-through buckets of sour chews and chocolate cigarettes, I'd get read to pay. Mr Binns would be standing behind the counter in a zip-up brown ...
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12.16.02On ShortsWith the good weather comes an unfortunate unpeeling of fabric, and with that comes an inevitable increase in sightings of pale flesh on the streets of London. So, shorts. How do we feel about them, then? Despite what the image on the right may lead you to believe, I don't do shorts. It's not a fashion thing, but a shame thing. With knees like mine? You must be kidding. I did them in school, briefly, but not when you might have expected. Shorts weren't an option in PE class - why would you allow children to run freely when you could ...
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