meish dot org: life, unfolding

[I recently upgraded to a new phone. In the process of scrubbing things off the old handset, I found this word sketch of a tube journey home from an evening out a while back.]

Men on the northern line coming from the awards dinner I’ve just come from. I’m sober(ish), but they’re drooling on each other, discussing the best satellite porn channels and the acts they’re going to perform on their wives when they get home. It’s charming, in a ridiculous, pissed, shouty, colleaguey machismo bullshit obnoxious kind of way.

The bald northern one calls everything and everyone a cunt. The fat one apologises for him repeatedly, explaining “he’s from Leeds”, before leering at girls on adjacent seats and trying to persuade the other to stop off for a final pint at Charing Cross.

This, I feel, would be a bad move.

It seems that several pints, absinthe and champagne in (their words) “less time than it takes to have a wank” are a recipe for lurching, leering and idiocy.

“Have you got a mirror?” Baldy asks every female on the train. No-one has.

“Have I got bloodshot eyes?” he demands. He does, but no-one will tell him, because no-one wants to get involved. Wisely, it seems.

“You’re an ugly, fat cunt,” drools baldy.

“Yeah,” says fatty, “but at least I’ve still got hair”

Thank heaven for small mercies. And my stop.

Oldish woman wearing a red coat, to another, with bulging handbag: ‘Scuse me…I think I recognise you from somewhere. Can’t think where, though….

Other woman: [smiles] Off the telly? Maybe?

First woman: [cocks head on one side and pauses] No, that’s not it…

Second woman: I’m an Actor? In, um, Eastenders? [smiles at the other people in the bus stop, as if to indicate that this happens all the time]

First woman: [studies the other woman for another moment] OH! I know! You look like that woman in the lamp shop down the road!

Second woman: [looks confused] …

First woman: [reassuringly, smiling] …it’s the hair.

Second woman: [reaches a hand up to touch her hair]

[the bus arrives]

*NB The photos above aren’t connected with this story, apart from being taken at bus stops.

Two teenage boys from posh local public school, all shaggy hair and cricket pads in kit bags and high colour in their cheeks. They are indulging in a playful conversation about a girl they both know, and then one suddenly goes into his version of an imitation of Catherine Tate’s most famously catchphrased character:

“Do I look bothered? I mean, look at my face. Am I bothered?”

The other one stops laughing and says

“Oh no, don’t do that, Lucas: it makes you sound so common”

Lucas, with cut-glass accent, expensive sunglasses in his hair and goggle-tan-lines from his recent snowboarding trip to switzerland still not faded, couldn’t sound less ‘common’ if he tried.

(Overheard on the bus at midnight. Two men, both slurring, slumped on the back seat and reeking of an evening of liquid exuberance.)

“What did you think about tonight, mate? Did you have a good time?”

“Yeah.”

“I dunno what you reckon, but I reckon that the…the life force has gone out of ‘ammersmiff these days”

“Yeah.”

“It’s so important for a place to have a life force, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“Hammersmith used to have loads of it, but these days…well, I dunno, it’s just gone, ain’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe next time we could go on a train down to Clapham, there are loads of pubs - great pubs, they’ve got so much life force, mate, it’s untrue! What do you reckon, should we do that sometime?”

“Yeah.”

“I tell you what, how about this, why don’t we go out tomorrow night, I’ll drive - I won’t drink any more than a couple of shandies - anywhere you like in London, anywhere at all. What do you think? Fancy it?”

“Yeah.”

“The most important thing in the world is life force. You have to be places with good life force, you have to find them”

“Yeah.”

“Otherwise you’re nuffink.”

“Yeah.”

“We’ll find somewhere with life force, mate, I promise. We’ll find it.”

“Yeah.”

Special International Edition: San Francisco (#3 route, Filmore St - Union Square)

1. Carlo is gay
2. Ruben is, like, totally gay
3. Amanda in seventh grade either
   a) will do it with anyone
   b) hasn’t done it with anyone or
   c) definitely did it with that guy Josh in sixth grade, the one who looks gay.
4. This last fact is known by all the sixth graders and all the seventh graders, seriously.
5. There may be a significant stake ($5) up for grabs for anyone who can establish the veracity of any or all of these claims.
6. In other news, Deon once did a rubix cube in, like, 4 minutes.
7. When asked who helped him with this, the answer was, apparently, tu madre.

It’s funny, isn’t it. You fly halfway round the world, the money changes, the accents change and the terminology is different, but the conversation of kids at the back of the bus is universal.

“…so I said to Carl, ‘You should have said to him “if you want to jump, then JUMP and stop wasting our time”‘…”

Consideration, empathy and people skills abound in West London, today.

–

Incidentally, punctuationally speaking, what’s the best alignment of various marks for the above? I think I’ve got it right, but am happy to be corrected….

1. She shouldn’t wear dresses like that. Seriously.
2. She looks like a total hobbit when she wears that dress.
3. Like, all trunk and no legs. Seriously.
4. Marquee parties are just the worst.
5. If either of these girls eat another canape they’ll, like, totally vom. Seriously.
6. Marquee parties are totally rubbish because they’re out in the country so you have to talk to loads of people they hate
7. and there’s never enough food
8. and they don’t even do cocktails. Seriously.
9. Except for girl B’s friend, Tiggy
10. Tiggy’s marquee parties are the best because they’re, like, outside, but they’re in London, because her garden is, like, huge
11. and she, like, always has loads of canapes like mini fish and chips and mini desserts
12. and, like, loads of cocktails as well as champagne and wine
13. The worst parties, like, ever, are when you get jews not drinking enough and christians drinking too much
14. That’s so much worse than the other way around. Seriously.
15. When girl A’s cousin gets married, she says she wants a small wedding
16. Girl A will, like, obviously be there however small it is
17. She thinks, however, that a big wedding would be more of a laugh
18. That’s ok, though, because apparently Girl A’s cousin is, like, so totally bullyable that Girl A is going to be able to make her change it.
19. Mutual friend E has just joined Facebook
20. She’s put her wedding photos up, too
21. The cool thing is you, like, totally can’t tell she was five months pregnant at all
22. Girl B thinks it’s sweet that they got married before the baby arrived.
23. Girl A would rather wait until the baby was born.
24. She thinks it’s much better to be thin and wasted than fat and sober.
25. They’re going to re-synch the traffic lights on Kensington High St when they extend the congestion charge.
26. This will give the impression of better-flowing traffic through the area.
27. That’s so naughty. Seriously.
28. In the movie In Her Shoes, Girl B didn’t think that they were all supposed to be Jewish, because Cameron Diaz is, like, so totally not Jewish.

(previously in this series: Things I Learnt From the Boy Behind Me on the Bus)

There are two phrases I hear a lot in the course of my work, which tickle me in some small way. I don’t think they’re perculiar to my workplace or industry, but they certainly seem to be increasing in frequency and breadth over the last few months. I’m as guilty as anyone else of using them, and I wonder if anyone reading this has any experience of them out in the wilds of your workplaces. Do tell…
The first is used when trying to get a little face-time with someone (no, that’s not the phrase, though it’s bad enough in its own way.) I regularly hear people asking:

“Can we sit down later and discuss X?”

or

“Let’s find some time to sit down this week”

or

“I’m going to be sitting down with Y tomorrow, I’ll ask then”

I can’t help being amused by this because when you think about it, it’s a bit ridiculous - especially because in our (mostly sedentary, when we’re not hiking between office buildings or jetting about) daily work we do very little except sit down. We’re sitting down constantly - on commutes, at our desks, in meetings - and so whenever someone asks me if I’ve got time to sit down, I try hard to bite my tongue and refrain from smartarsing that I AM sitting down ALREADY, thankyouverymuch. Silly.

The other phrase, and the one which is sillier still, and yet seems much more prevelent (I’ve just heard Sarah Beeny use it in the course of her Property Stupidity Ladder show) is usually used in the context of people expressing an opinion or making a decision, or reflecting on a situation. They say:

“With your business hat on…”

or

“…with my European hat on, I’d recommend….”

or

“…wearing my technology hat for a minute, it looks like…”

I’ve heard of De Bono’s six thinking hats in creativity and innovation, but these are just ridiculous. The trouble is that all of this brings to my mind an image of actual hats.

In fact, I’m very tempted to make a business hat (bowler?), and a strategy hat (surely something with pockets?), and a European hat, and a consumer experience hat (a panama which always looks good even after a long-haul flight?), and an anthropologist hat (that’s a big one, floppy brim, perhaps with a notebook tucked in the headband?) and a geek hat (I’m picturing a wool beanie here, with a logo of some kind), and a social media hat (probably something hand-knitted from Peru, with earflaps) and in fact a hat for all occasions and roles I’m required to participate in or under, which I would then carry around (perhaps in a big bag) and pop them on whenever I was adopting that particular perspective or authority. That’d leave no room for doubt about which particular hat I was wearing when making any decisions, or attending any meetings, see?
I wonder what a European hat would look like?

Answers on a postcard…

Slurred conversation between two people sat directly behind me. I didn’t see them, but they were both very, very drunk.

Him: Sally, Sally, Sally…I’ve got a confession to make
Her: Oh?
Him: It’s like this…I’m in the middle of breaking up with my girlfriend
Her: Oh, here we go…
Him: No, no, hear me out….We’ve been together for seven years…we even bought a house together…that’s the house we’re going to now…
Her: I’m starting to wonder if I should be on this bus at all
Him: No, no, it’s fine…but I don’t want any rumours to start at work, ok?
Her: Well, nothing’s going to happen, so there’ll be no rumours to start about anything
Him: Yeah, yeah.
Her: I don’t even know your surname. I’m at a disadvantage to you. You know mine.
Him: Yeah, but I’m your boss; I know everything.
Her: Right. Hey, how come you don’t have a car? I thought all the big bosses had cars?
Him: Oh, I’ve got one. I just….
Her: Or a chauffeur or summat?
Him: Yeah, I left him by the…
Her: I went to [name of old polytechnic], you know
Him: Yeah, it’s a poly
Her: No, actually, I have to make this little speech, right…it’s the best ex-poly in the country, right, and I had to have a LOT of points to get in there, you know? So I’m not ashamed or anything.
Him: Right
Her: I’m going to tell you, like, the BIGGEST secret
Him: Oh?
Her: I didn’t tell you this at the interview, right, but I was made redundant from my last job and the payout went into my account this evening
Him: Wow. Yeah, take the cash, seriously. Yeah.
Her: So I could have paid for a taxi, you know?
Him: But I like the bus. And I like drinking.
Her: I like how you play pool.
Him: Oh yeah?
Her: I was stuck playing with that tutti-frutti disabled bloke all night until you came up
Him: Oh, he’s a really nice guy
Her: Oh, I’m sure, I’m just not…very PC, I guess
Him: No, I have to pretend to be PC, because I’m the boss, but I’m not really
Her: Well, I think we’ve all got a bit of un-PCness in us, but we have to hide it. I mean, my brother’s autistic, but I still make fun of the mentally ill
Him: What’s that mean?
Her: Oh, it’s like Asperger’s, kind of and…
Him: No, I mean what does that MEAN? I mean, what’s he like and that?
Her: Oh, he sits at home on is arse all day and does nothing
Him: He’s a lucky, lucky man
Her: He’s got OCD too.
Him: He’s a lucky, lucky, lucky man
Her: But he’s my brother and I love him
Him: See that river? That’s the Thames
Her: I shouldn’t be on this bus with you, should I? I mean, you’re my boss, right?
Him: Don’t worry, we’re nearly at my place, now, we’ll just have a little drink…
Her:..and then I can get my cab to Acton?
Him:…and then you can get your cab.

[The territorial markings of schoolboys on the bus window]

“I ‘AVE got an X-Box, I swear”
“Bollocks”
“No, I ‘AVE, I SWEAR on my MUVVA’S LIFE I ‘AVE”
“Fark off, you ‘aven’t goh one”
“I farkin’ ‘AVE. I’ll go ‘ome an’ take a picture and bring it in tomorrow an’ show ya”
“Fark off, you ain’t goh shih”
“I FARKIN ‘AVE. On my MUVVA’S LIFE. Would you believe me if I said I swear I ‘ave, on ‘er life, if she like dropped dead tomorrow?”
“Whah if she goh shoh in the streeh or sumfing?”
“Easy, bra! No need to be farkin’ rude about my mum!”

———————————————

“…I KNOW, that’s what I said….
…You ‘member ‘ow I was always goin’ on ah ‘im to geh my name tah-ooed on ‘is arm?
…Well, ‘e only wen’ an’ farkin’ did ih, din’ ‘e?…
…Nah, on ‘is back…
…Nah, up near ‘is showdahs…
…Nah, it’s in Chinese wossnames. He showed it me on Sah’di, an’ I says ‘wass’at ‘en?’ an he says ‘it’s your name innit?’…
…Yeah, ‘e aksed me again on Sahndi. I said no fanks, I ain’ geh’in married again - once bih’en, twice shy an ‘at….”

——————————————

“I am! I’m eating a pear! Listen: [she takes a bite of her pear and munches it into the phone] …ok, see you at home, darling. Love you!”
[she spits the mouthful of pear into a tissue, wraps it and puts it into her coat pocket]