meish dot org: life, unfolding

(for the artist whose interviews/column inches/political broadcasts/press conferences far outweighed their musical contribution to the year)

It’s always a bit of a tosser toss-up between Geldof and Bono for this particular award, and in previous years it’s been a close-run race with new boy Chris “=” Martin vying for attention at every conceivable opportunity, earning extra points for wearing his heart on his sleeve – or, more accurately, his Make Trade Fair symbol on his hand – at every situation where there are likely to be cameras. Video shoots, gigs, press conferences, out shopping with Gwynnie and little Granny Smith (or whatever the daughter is called).

However, 2005 was a hotly-contested year with everyone and their dog hopping on all sorts of bandwagons in an effort to get some free publicity raise awareness as The Year Of The Charity Wristband progressed. Despite this, it was essentially a two-horse race, with front-runners Geldof (all over everything around Live8), and Bono (nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and just pipped to the post by a group of people who actually dismantle atomic bombs rather than naming albums after the activity: ooh, never mind, Bono – maybe next time, eh?).

I think that although Sir Bob had the greater volume of verbiage as the year drew to a close, I’d certainly be doing my ears a disservice if I implored him to talk less and make more music. So by a process of elimination, the award goes to the Irish midget, for services to himself his bank manager equality, harmony, fair trade and world peace, if not, in fact, quality music. Next year, eh?

(for the artist who seems to be famous without any perceivable talent or significant output whatsoever)

Sean Paul, but mostly because every song sounds EXACTLY THE SAME. Seriously. How does he do that?

Here’s a moneysaving tip, Sean Paul fans. Next time he has a single out, simply go down to the shop and buy one of his previous singles (they’ll be piled in the clearance bin by the till, marked down to 99p or so) because I assure you, it will be pretty much identical to his new effort.

(for the latest batch of gloomy whippet farmers)

Difficult to say. I haven’t been able to look at ex-Verve frontman Richard Ashcroft without becoming depressed at his horrible lank hair and bizarrely stretched face, but that probably doesn’t count.

(for the artist who spent more time on children’s television than in the studio or on the stage)

McFly. Hotly touted (by their own record company) as the Next Big Thing in Music, the New Busted, etc etc, but in reality, nothing more than a bunch of big-faced children with Soho hair-dos and safety pins in their clothes.

I’m sitting here, trying to summon a McFly song to mind, and there’s nothing there. I can picture them cavorting and gurning on some Saturday morning TV extravaganza, answering calls from viewers, possibly even taking part in a “humourous” skit with the regular presenters. But I can’t actually imagine what they sound like, or name anything they’ve done.

I think this perfectly positions them as worthy recipients of this award, as it’s clear that they’ve spent more time in the TV studio than any music one this year.

Thank heaven, as they say, for small mercies.

(for the one album everyone should experience, regardless of year)

Ooh, that’s tough. I’m just not that loyal to albums, really. I very rarely listen to albums – I’m more of a shuffle of various artists kind of girl.

Joshua Tree is obviously one of those which if you haven’t experienced, then you really should, and you could say the same for some Bob Marley, some early Michael Jackson and some of The Cure’s output.

However, I’m going to take this category to be about illuminating about things an audience might not have encountered in the grand scheme of things, rather than plugging obvious gaps in musical knowledge.

To that end, I’d have to recommend one (or more) of the following, if only to broaden things a bit:
Ani DiFranco – Ani DiFranco
Radio Tarifa – Rumba Argelina
MC Solaar – Prose Combat
Kate Rusby – Little Lights
Sigur Ros – Sigur Ros

Not my favourite albums of all time, but some interesting sidebars in a musical lifestyle.

(for the artist you already liked but who just got better)

Not sure if this strictly counts, but I fell in love again last year with an artist I’d almost entirely forgotten about. I used to like the Trash Can Sinatras, but their output had waned of late, and so it was with great happiness that I stumbled across Weightlifting from their album of the same name, which hit all sorts of buttons.

it’s been a lonely winter hibernating away / you need a little sunlight on that face / how long can you stay in the darkness? / dust round the empty nest? / you could make your way out / if you lay down the load…

Sweet, calming and hypnotic, just reassuring enough to strike a chord in my current circumstances, and different enough from their previous oeuvre to keep me interested. So perhaps not “better and better”, but certainly “still good shocker” or “better new output than most bands after twenty years”

You will find a great weight lifting / easing your mind, a great weight lifting / leave it behind, a great weight lifting…

Also highly ranked in this category: Morrissey if only for the infernally-catchy First of the Gang.

(for the artist who should just fucking STOP already, and put us all out of our misery)

Oasis. Seriously, lads, what are you still doing? Every time you get up on stage it’s like you’re your own covers band.

Also nominated in this category: Elton John. He’s richer than God, and yet still he insists on the occasional release (so to speak). Why bother? Sit at home and count your piles instead!

(for the artist, album or song which you secretly find yourself liking and yet not wanting to admit to in public)

Erm. Busted. And some S Club 7 is quite listenable, especially when you’re feeling horrible.

And, um, Del Amitri. Shhhhhhhh.

(for the artist whose haircut was more interesting than their (probably much-hyped) musical output)

That’s got to go to the Kaiser Chiefs. I’m sure they’re great and everything, but their collective slick coiffurie left a far bigger impression on me than their music. Sorry.

See also: Franz Ferdinand.

(for the album from an established artist that was distinctly underwhelming)

U2 – How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb

When All That You Can’t Leave Behind came out, I was struck by how the tracks on that album fell into two neat camps: Good Songs and U2-By-Numbers.

The first camp contained tracks that are a return to the form of their early years, when the band pumped out stonkingly good tracks with clever hooks and appropriately strong lyrics.

The second camp contained songs which Bono clearly wrote on the crapper, containing idiotic Dr-Seuss-a-like lyrics and/or forced
lyrical/political (polyrical?) points plus dreary jingly tunes which challenged no-one, least of all Edge, who was possibly asleep at the time of composition.

The nadir of the latter camp was probably Elevation, in which Bono mused lyrically about

A mole / living in a hole / digging up my soul…

Thereby ably proving that he had made good use of the rhyming dictionary he got for Christmas. Thanks for that, Bono. Certainly puts Pride (in the name of love) and One to shame, doesn’t it?

Another high (low) point on ATYCLB was New York, which seemed to consist of Bono boasting about his expanding property empire:

Just bought a place in New York / do-be-do-be-doooo

Thanks for sharing. I hope you manage to visit it more than once a year.

So why am I talking about ATYCLB when the album which underwhelmed me most this year was HTDAAB? In short, because the latter was just so underwhelming and meh, I can’t be bothered to even think about it. It wasn’t horrible, it just wasn’t amazing, you know?