Previously in these pages, we’ve discussed the ways people hold bouquets of flowers in public when they’re trying to pretend they’re not holding a bunch of flowers in public.

Today, during a pitifully brief pause in the monsoon that has become this Great British Summer^tm, I spotted another interesting classification system in need of recording - namely, the ways people carry their furled and redundant umbrellas when the clouds have stopped pissing all over the city for a moment or two.

Well, I say “spotted”, when what I mean was “nearly had an eye taken out by some moron carrying his brolly in a careless manner”. Naturally, it should go without saying that the person in question was wearing a pinstriped suit, and that the brolly was a golf umbrella, and thus doubly protruding and jabby.

Here’s what I’ve spotted so far (in order to register here, there need to have been two unrelated sightings of each):

	1. The Walking Stick Stance: User grasps the handle in a vertical grip with the umbrella inverted, tip downwards. While walking, the umbrella tip is regularly planted on the ground, like a walking stick. Hazard to passers-by: Minimal. Some risk to pedestrian feet if method employed in crowded area and user does not pay attention to where the tip is being planted.
	2. The Underarm Stance: Best practiced when the brolly has had an opportunity to dry, this stance requires the user to tuck the furled object (tip rearwards) underneath their arm, which is then pressed in tight to the torso while walking. Hazard to passers-by: High. The user is usually unaware that having a dirty great metal spike protruding from their person in a place they cannot monitor might be perilous to other pavement users. Avoid.
	3. The Arm Extension Stance: User clasps the umbrella some way down the shaft, resting the handle in the crook of their arm, and then walks normally. Hazard to passers-by: Medium-High. Depending on how much the user gesticulates when talking on their mobile phone. Keep a wide berth.
	4. The Chaplin Stance: User swings the umbrella by the handle in a wide arc about their person, as they walk. May be accompanied by a comedy waddle. Hazard to passers-by: High. This person is in complete denial about the social aspects of pavement use. Maintain maximum perimeter. Cross the road if needs be.
	5. The Thruster Stance: User carries umbrella in combative stance, gripped vertically, tip aloft and forward. As they walk it swings in a high arc perpendicular to the ground. May occasionally jab at slow moving mobile phone users and people clustering around the tops of escalators. Hazard to passers-by: Mostly Medium. Despite the aggressive stance, you can easily spot this person coming and run away. They have clearly had a very bad day.
	6. The Wrap Artist Stance: User in motion holds their umbrella parallel to the ground and across the front of their body while wrapping it with that handy little flap of self-coloured material dipped in velcro at both ends. Hazard to passers-by: Low-Medium. This user is entirely wrapped up (see what I did there?) in their current activity, and as a result, other pavementees alongside them may get inadvertently jabbed in the ribs.
	7. The Olympic Torch Stance: User holds umbrella aloft while in the furled (or ‘closed’) position. If it is raining, they may have simply forgotten to open the device - it’s easily done when the mind is preoccupied with other things such as walking and breathing. If it is no longer raining, this person may well be a tour guide. Hazard to passers-by: Variable Low-High, depending on proximity of large tour group wearing identical neon invicta backpacks.