On the way home tonight, I noticed a lot of people carrying bouquets. This reminded me that some years ago, I wrote a guide to the six main public-flower-carrying positions employed by embarrassed men and overwhelmed women on transport systems in this country:
The full breakdown can be found over here. I tend towards the award stance, myself, but I have been known to adopt the down poise when I think people are staring.
Given space enough on the tube, I adopt the sweep. Nothing impresses the surrounding ladies on the tube more than a nonchalantly held but clearly expensive bouquet (”oh, these little things? I bring something like this home almost every other night” . . .). They sigh and swoon. God forbid it should ever happen, but if I was ever single and I wanted to meet women, I’d carry an elaborate bouquet on the tube. Women just come up and talk to you.
More realistically, on the tube it’s the torch. Mainly becuase space is tight and the sweep needs some leg room. The torch then becomes uncomfortable, both because of the arm strain and also because it creates a foliage barrier between you and others. And all the foliage sticks in people’s eyes in close proximity y’know. In this situation all your bonus points as “loving husband on way home, awww” are lost, and you just become annoying bloke with stupidly large pointy bouquet.
Two exceptions to the rule; I once extravagantly bought a bouquet so frickin huge and elaborate that people stood aside and made space out of respect - and I also once bought v. expensive flowers from posh shop that gave you a special bag to carry them in. Sweet.
I just wanted to tell you that the Anti-Valentine cards were brilliant and amazing. I sent one to another of my single friends, who thought it was hilarious.. thank you. I’m not spiteful about the day, I just think it’s rather silly.
I’m definitely a baby cradler. I have a fear of turning a bouquet upside down, much like letting the American flag touch the ground. Must be a fear of a court marshal or something.
id like the nonchalant way of carrying it.
looks pretty suave. :)
There is a seventh way of course, for people in the know, which is to hold the bouquet upside-down (like the “microphone” but with the blooms inverted). This demonstrates that the carrier does this all the time, and knows that the blooms and stalks are best protected that way.
For reference, see the film Nikita, when her boss arrives for dinner.