These rules & laws of the road do not apply to you, because apparently you are somehow exempt, or have exempted yourself:

1. Parking in only one parking bay
   You have a giant car. We know. You are probably also a bad driver, because having an SUV or other 4×4 in London is usually a sign that you are hoping bulk and power will compensate for your nerves and deficiencies behind the wheel. Perhaps you also thought it was a status-symbol. Perhaps you thought your massive truck would demonstrate how much you want to protect your little posh-named offspring. But still, wantonly parking across multiple bays proves nothing except that you are a shit, selfish driver with a too-big car.

   

    

2. Queueing in traffic
   Having to sit in traffic is terribly dull; everyone knows that. But you seem to think that this whole “side of the road” thing is for idiots and losers, and so you’re going to whizz out of the queue, drive along the other side of the road for a while, overtake everyone else who’s waiting in the queue and then either make the turn you’d have had to wait whole minutes to get to, or merge barge your way back into the main line of cars, smugly. Here’s a question: do you think that we’re sitting here in a queue of cars, for fun? If you do, you are a moron. If you don’t, but you think that waiting your turn is somehow beneath you, then you are a moron. See how this works?

    

3. Section 92 of the Highway code: “Use [horn] only while your vehicle is moving and you need to warn other road users of your presence. Never sound your horn aggressively. You must not use your horn while stationary on the road, when driving in a built-up area between the hours of 11:30pm and 7am except when another vehicle poses a danger.”
   See this thing stuck to the windscreen just to the side of my face? This thing that enables me to look behind me? This reflective surface which reveals the world behind my car? It’s a rear-view mirror and amazingly, it means that I can see you, in your car behind mine, getting all huffy at the wheel and irritated that I haven’t made the turn yet. So you could say that I’m aware of your presence - all-too-aware of it, in fact. But here’s the kicker: I’m not going to throw myself into fast-moving traffic because you think it’s timely to do so. Weirdly, I’m going to wait until I consider it safe to go ahead. I know, it’s a crazy concept, isn’t it?

    

4. Using signals to warn and inform other road users and pedestrians about your intentions
   I like surprises. Really, I do. I listen to music on shuffle all the time, and I like it when unexpected pleasant things happen. But I have to admit that you suddenly flinging your car (or, indeed taxi) into a side-road, or doing a u-turn, or picking an exit from a roundabout…all these things are, indeed, surprising, not least when I’ve been trying to figure out what you intend to do so that I can figure out what I need to do in response or to prepare for it, but they’re not a good kind of surprise. In fact, they’re a rather alarming sort of sort of surprise, the kind that makes me exclaim “SHIT! SHIT! FUCKHEAD! WAH!” as I scamper out of the path of your vehicle/apply brakes hurriedly/skid across the road. I have many skills: ESP isn’t one of them.

    

5. Not using your mobile phone or other handheld device while operating a vehicle
   I appreciate that you are SO important that you just HAVE to be in contact with your people, like, ALL the time, and that going whole MINUTES without having your phone clamped to the side of your head is like asking a doctor to go without her stethoscope or a fireman to go without his hose for a few nanoseconds - I mean, just IMAGINE what could happen in those uncommunicating moments! You could be part of a conversation which discovers a cure for cancer or ends world hunger or something. I mean, I’d sort of wonder why someone with such great potential for innovation was zooming down the A4 in an Audi while having that sort of conversation in the first place rather than, say, around a table with a whiteboard or in a laboratory or whatever, but never mind. You are important, and being in touch with people is important. I get it. It’s more important than being able to operate the gearstick - bugger that, you got the powerful car with the big woofy engine so you could handle high speeds in first and accelerate happily in fourth, right? - and it’s more important than knowing what’s going on around you on the road. C’mon people, you’re on a CONFERENCE CALL HERE, we can’t expect you to SIGNAL, PAY ATTENTION and AVOID PEDESTRIANS CROSSING THE ROAD, TOO! What do we think, you’ve got TIME TO WASTE? Time is MONEY and money is IMPORTANT and by being on the phone you are revealing that YOU are important JUST LIKE MONEY, too. Yeah, we see that. Important, but unfortunately, still a complete spoon.

    

Also to be featured in a related series, at some point, probably: people who seem to think that the whole “one item of hand luggage” air security thing somehow applies only to other travellers and not to them, obviously, and who are massively surprised when they get to the front of the security queue after checkin and have a big self-important flap about how they can’t POSSIBLY travel without several bags of varying sizes including a selection of carrier bags, a designer handbag, a laptop case and a trolley suitcase which, I swear, is big enough to contain a small horse or a harpsichord or something and which can’t possibly be classified as hand luggage if you can’t actually convey it, let alone lift it with your hands into an overhead locker.

And relaaaax.