So when I was in primary school, somewhere in multicultural inner West London, every year we had an inclusive end-of-term Christmas play. We didn’t do a nativity, because this was seen as too alienating for the majority of kids, so the teachers used to devise a performance which

a) included all 110 children in the school
b) contained music and
c) made some sort of vague sense while
d) not being about the nativity, specifically (specivity?)

To their credit, they did very well.

I only remember a few of the themes. One year was “Around the World” in which groups of children in vague costume came on and sang different songs or did little skits about different countries and cultures. I was a Mexican, singing “South of the Border”. Make of that what you will.

Another year was All Kinds of Christmas - lots of newish carols and christmas songs in cowboy/calypso/north american indian style, probably from songbooks written by earnest middle-class music teachers - oh yes, like Merrily to Bethlehem (there’s an updated version but it doesn’t ahve to cover I remember from childhood).

My favourite year was, I think, my final one, which took the theme of the Twelve Days of Christmas, I think going on the theory that 1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + 5 + 6 + 7 + 8 + 9 + 10 + 11 + 12 = 78, plus a dozen narrators, a handful of people singing the song in between each act would take it to a hundred, and no-one would notice another ten or so knocking about on stage at various points. I mean, when there are twelve lords a-leaping, who’s going to mind a thirteenth?

Anyway, this was my favourite year because I got to be one of the eleven ladies dancing - and if I recall correctly, we all came on dressed as flapper girls, did the Charleston, and then broke out into some moves to Chaka Khan’s I feel for you - in fact, looking something like the moves in her video for the song, only, you know, dressed as flappers and without as much rhythm and with less body-popping - because no-one wants to see a chubby eleven year old do the wave.

Nice. Well, this was 1985, after all.

So the point of sharing all this is that at the very end of the performance, the entire school would troop onto the stage, one class at a time (oldest at the back, kindergarten at the front) with the whole structure creaking under our combines weight. And as we tramped on, we’d be singing (well, breathily shouting) We wish you a merry christmas, only with the emPHAsis on WISH and CHRIS - We WISH you a merry CHRISmas - and also inserting some line about bringing good tidings to “you and your king”. Didn’t we all?

Anyway, all this nonsense is by way of saying that this blog is my stage, I’m WISHing you a very merry CHRIStmas, and I’m off to spend a few days body-popping to some mid eighties r&bhop while dressed as a cowboy flapper.

Not really about the last bit.