Oct 10, 2006
A Headline-Writer’s Dream
So today, following the controversial underground nuclear test yesterday, populist shag-rag The Sun (I’m not linking: figure out the URL yourself, if you must) published a front page this morning with the following headline:
I must admit that raised a twitch of a grin even from me.
But seriously, they must have been dancing in the aisles when North Korea pressed that big red button. How the hacks must have chuckled and slapped each other on the arse with glee. And oh, how we’ll all smirk into our radiation suits when the world goes ker-plooey. Hilarious. Er…
Someone was asking how they do it - come up with funny headlines for news events
Actually, I know for a FACT that they get their ideas from either the Big Dictionary* of Pop Culture References (2006 Large Print Edition) or the companion volume illustrated below:
Using this innovative method, creative subs can now write headlines months or years in advance, in the hope that the stories they relate to will actually happen at some point. As it stands, they’ve got a huge backlog of headlines-waiting to happen.
So now I can exclusively reveal that they’re just waiting for the following events to occur so they can print the corresponding headlines, and their year will be complete:
- Will Young is caught embarrassingly short on a video shoot miles from the nearest loo: Plop Idol!
- Bob Geldof announces that the next Live Aid event will be sponsored by Clarks: We Will Rock Shoe!
- Channel 4 makes a reality TV series about the Faroe Islanders famous whale-hunting and subsequent bloody slaughter in Torvik harbour: Big Blubber!
- A famous cellist moves to Cardiff and open a combined toyshop and japanese restaurant: Yo! Yoyo yo-yo yo-sushi boyo!
- A postal worker is unable to squeeze through a house’s front gate in order to deliver the mail because of a weight problem: Postman Fat!
- A nanny weds the widowed father of her darling urchin charges: Marry Poppins!
- Two female characters in a popular american hospital-set drama comedy are photographed in a passionate on-set embrace: Gays Anatomy!
- Popular Saturday night TV presenters and all-round innocuous geordie lads Ant and Dec are photographed in their underwear during an improptu visit to the Goldsmith’s luxury yacht in the Carribbean: Pants on Deck!
- John Lydon retires to the country where he takes up breeding exotic long-horn cattle: Never Mind The Bullocks!
- A hilarious incident of cultural misunderstanding takes place in which a Japanese tourist becomes disoriented in Marylebone tube and ends up asking directions from none other than Scarlett Johannsen: Lost in Train-Station!
- Jane Asher breaks the world record for baking on a transatlantic flight: Cakes on a Plane!
- The Government introduces a new charter for bullies in which local vandals, ne’erdowells and miscreants are evaluated on a points system, details of which are published in local league tables: Top Thumps!
- The government appoints a sexual health tsar to try and solve the crisis of teenagers with VD: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Gonorrhea?
Any more stories and headlines waiting to happen? Come on, do your worst…
* [Teehee - she said dick!]
Prince William in kiss and tell shock - ex-Page 3 model says “he’s not all that in bed”. William, it was really nothing
Bulldog foils suicide bomb attack by biting bomber on the seat of his trousers, disabling the wiring for the bomb. (alongside a mocked up bulldog/churchill picture) We will bite them on the breeches
sean coombes, when opening a jar of pickles at a celebrity event, accidently shears the lid off, which flies off with some speed and cuts through Jennifer Lopez’s new blaxplotation hairstyle.
Wait for it.
P Diddy’s skiddy liddy mow’s J-Lo’s fro lower
Recording his latest LP of forgettable dadrock, Paul Weller ropes in Louise Wener, ex-Sleeper britpop eyecandy, only to discover that members of his entourage have fed her a few too many post-fame pies during the sessions and she now resembles an unpopular TV lardarse and reality TV star.
Weller’s wallahs Waller Wener!
Wait, wouldn’t it be P-Diddy’s Skiddy Liddy Low-Mows J-Lo’s ‘Fro?. Obviously, it would be comedy gold if Lopez was at a party with Jonah Lomu and that short actor that played Frodo. Perhaps in commemoration of the Dodo.
Charlton striker stunned by high overdraft charges.
Jimmy Floyd’s Bank Hassles
Viscious troll attack on Winter Olympian
Gnome Chomps Ski
Top selling female pop artist’s pay row deadline expires
Dido Dough D-Day A Dodo
Lord Of The Rings musical hits the West End stage
Mordor On The Dance Floor
Steve Coogan creates a new sitcom, based on a small company doomed to fail as they sell knitwear to be worn in the bath for people who can’t afford decent heating. The company is founded by one of Coogan’s previous characters, who is clearly wasting the money he won on the lottery. Windsor Davies is the surprise co-star as he returns to a TV sit-com for the first time in years. The critics welcome it with warm reviews:
Paul Calf’s Bath-Scarf laugh-in ain’t half hot mum
This one from my mate Dr Steve:
A famous Yorkshire cricketer withdraws his custom from Mothercare, following their decision to refuse to sell blue-coloured babies cribs: Boycott boycotts boy cot boycott
That’s got to be my favourite so far.
Nobel Peace Prize winner leaves the office of his African diocese to help resolve conflict Rwanda.
Losotho’s Tutu Goes OOTO For Hutu
A nanny weds the widowed father of her darling urchin charges: Marry Poppins! (this was my dream)
this is one for the record books:
http://isawyournanny.blogspot.com/
Brian May is due to be presented with a commemorative cheque from Ben Elton outside the Dominion Theatre, in respect of the huge amount of money “We Will Rock You” has earnt them both. May will then immediately donate the cheque to the London Taxi Drivers Association’s fund to support days out for London children.
Unfortunately, a fight that breaks out in the middle of a passing Stonewall demonstration prevents it from happening on time.
Gay Affray Delays May Play’s Pay-Day Away-Day
Great headline in the Sun. I saw it on Newsnight. The Daily Mirror had “KIm Wild”.
Whatever one might think about the Sun - over the years the headline writers have produced some gems. My favourite recent one - the story about a seaman in the navy being officially allowed (apparently) to worship “Satan” on board - the SUn headline “Devil warship”.
Everton’s defender has woodwind rendition pulled from urban music awards amid organisers’ concern for his mental health.
“No Go” For Loco Mofo Joe Yobo’s MOBO Oboe Solo
And breathe. Chris?
Domestic javelin thrower hits judge in the leg: “Brit knee spears”
Sohie Ellis-Baxter found dead in the hotel room of a top french footballer:
Murder on Zidane’s Floor
Your Yo Sushi headline reminded me of an editorial conerence I had to attend once where we asked to put together a pitch for a new magazine of our own creation.
We came up with a yo-yo magazine (as we had a corporate yo-yo in our goody bags) and my finest moment came when I had to find something catchy for the back page…
The result: a section where John Lennon’s widow gives guidance on how to safely handle your favourite toy…or:
Yoko Ono’s Yo-Yo No Nos!
A charismatic preacher’s reputation is ruined by the antics of his elderly, violent, incontinent Gangster Rap wannabe dad:
Happy-Clappy’s Slap-Happy Rappy Pappy’s Shabby Crappy Nappy
A supressed religio-political group in China causes controversy with their monster-themed table tennis tournament.
Falun Gong’s Hong Kong King Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong
And over to you, Cliff.
Want some more, do you?
Airborne, drug enforcement officers close down a failing hippy hair salon.
Drop-op Hop Cops Stop Mop Top Crop Shop Flop
A rich man’s exclusive Ziggy Stardust celebration party is gate-crashed by liggers dressed as characters from Winnie the Pooh:
Big Wig’s Zig Shin-dig Gig Lig by Pig & Tig
Famously chippy British comic drunkenly crashes his Ferrari into a bar, inspiring a riot amongst the German Music Appreciation Society having their yearly party inside.
Star Carr’s Car/Bar Oompa-pa Brouhaha
(Notice, ladies, I’m giving you twice the pleasure per post. Beat that Jonesy)
I summon Headline of Double-Length and invoke the Power of Jean-Claude to give me…
Andrew Ridgely lookalike blasts Belgian action hero’s mother during airline-sponored Mexican hidden camera show.
Sham Wham Man Slams Van Damme’s Mam in Yucatan Pan Am Van Cam Scam
I see your Headline of Double-Length, and I raise you a Headline of Acronym-induced Brevity . . .
British Airway’s Director’s personal assistant found dead after in-flight high-jinx originating on US West Coast:
BA PA’s DOA Apres LA Melee
And, continuing my double-pleasure per post theme . . .
Mel Gibson, in financial trouble after being sacked by his studio, just about manages to beat an IRS deadline to resolve his tax dispute by electronically transfering his accounts from Los Angeles airport.
Axed Mad Max’s LAX Fax Waxes “PAX!” to Taxman
Peace in our time.
By joining forces we have killed this competition dead:
A supressed, Chinese religio-political group causes controversy in Australian town with their extended, monster-themed, musical table tennis tournament.
Falun Gong’s Hong Kong Long King Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong: “Wrong” - Wollongong
The referee raises both mine and Cliff’s hands together. The battle is an honourable draw. I doff my cap to my one-time competitor, now collaborator.
My brain hurts.
I think we’ve moved away from the simple purity of “Super Cally Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious” (Inverness Caledonian Thistle beat Celtic) or (at the time of the “Satanic Verses” fatwa) a tale of fishermen flocking to a loch with an unexpectedly high fish population “Salmon Rush Day In Loch”.
There’s always the classic Private Eye headline about the Essex librarian’s strike:
Book lack in Ongar
Wasn’t Private Eye, was it? I remember that being a Guardian headline about a lack of books closing the mobile library . . .
I also loved ‘Epic Blob Delights World’ from the Guardian years ago. Not pun-tastic, just a lovely title for a story about the worlds largest fungal growth being found, slowly climbing out of a swamp.
[...] Proof, yet again, that that the well-honed craft of the ingenious subeditor is alive and well, and following in the fine tradition of fortuitous circumstances which conspire to make a headline-writer’s day (as discussed at some length in these pages, last year) m’colleague (and new desk neighbour) Neil pointed me in the direction of an odd story about a recent contest in South Korea to determine the fastest crossing by a high-wire walker, unsupported, over a famous wide river. [...]