So a few weeks ago, those two freakish domestic harpies from How Clean Is Your House? started a new series on Channel 4 called Too Posh To Wash.

The first episode featured the daughter of an earl or something in Durham. She was a complete minger; not washing her underwear, skanky hair, no teeth brushing and so on. She was, indeed, too posh to wash.

But subsequently every other subject appearing on the programme (or at least the handful I’ve seen) is simply too skanky to wash. Or too lazy. Or too dumb. So the title of the show, while true for the pilot episode, has been kind of misleading since then.

With this winning reality televisual formula in mind, I’ve decided that I’m going to make a programme called Too Old to Mold about people who are simply SO OLD that they have immense difficulty making jelly in any meaningful shape at all - it just comes out in this sort of colourful blob.

Well, I say it’ll be about the difficulties of geriatric food-fashioning… The first one will be that, but after that it’s a free-for-all. The second episode will be about a bank clerk who’s always wanted to be a kids’ TV presenter.

Then, hot on the heels of that success, I’ll make another series called Too Fat To Wear A Hat in which clinically obese people struggle to find fitting headgear… until the second episode, when we’ll feature Binty, a PR girl from fulham trying to buy knee length boots in Uruguay.

Then, bouyed by the industry accolades and colossal ratings, I’ll make a whole series called Too Small To Call in which vertically-challenged members of society are unable to reach the handset in phoneboxes and so have to walk home from the pub after closing time. Except the second episode will be about a busdriver called Mike who keeps chickens.

If the BAFTA hasn’t gone to my head by that point, I might even go on to make a series called Too Stupid To Play Cupid about morons who constantly match their single friends up with, oh, I don’t know, lamp posts or cats or something, and then in the next episode….

Well, you get the general idea.

Do you have any winning programming concepts along these lines?

(This rant probably won’t make much sense to anyone outside the Channel 4 coverage area. Sorry.)

Update:

Cliff sent me his suggestions:

Too Ad Hoc to Rock, in which a groups of talented but largely listless and absent minded musicians who have never met have just two weeks to put on a gig. The challenge is that they are only two of the four members of the band are allowed to practice together at any one time, and the rehearsal location is announced only five minutes before the session is due to start.

Or Too Benign to Design, where a group of nice, arty types have to build a website without standing up to everyone around them who has an opinion. Oh wait hang on….

Too Sad to Jihad - in which radical fundamentalists are played Mahler symphonies forced to watch Beaches in between planning a terrorist rebellion - with hilarious results. Contains violence.

And I thought of another few on the bus on the way to and from work:

Too little sight to fight
…in which a visually impaired boxer is routinely disqualified because he can’t find the doorknob to get out of his changing room.

Too tall to maul
…in which a 7′6″ lion tamer gains the respect of his caged beasts by simply being extremely lanky in an imposing sort of way.

Too dumb to cum
…in which a moderately attractive young man fails to get his rocks off because he can’t figure out where to put his, you know, thingy.

Too poor to score
…in which a junior league football team of underprivileged kids from the inner city are beaten repeatedly and humiliatingly by other sides, owing to the fact that they can’t kick the ball very far because they can’t afford proper boots, and also, because they don’t have strips, they keep getting confused about who’s actually in the team and passing the ball to spectators on the sidelines.

Any more?