I realise that I’m writing about things in totally the wrong order, and I’ll get around to writing about our holiday in Spain soon, but first, there’s something more pressing on the agenda.
Babies.
Not mine, don’t get all excited. Just babies in general - and some babies in particular.
The thing is, I’ve just become an aunt. Although I technically became an aunt when P and I got married, my brother and sister-in-law just had a baby, which makes me a *real* aunt, and I’m very excited indeed.
So yesterday lunchtime, after going mad in Mothercare (buying little socks and strange vibrating rabbits - this kind, not this kind) I went to WHSmith to try and find a tasteful card to send, congratulating them on the new baby and welcoming him to the world.
Well. You’d think I’d been asking for something complicated and out-of-the-ordinary, like a card to send to a step-sister who’s just graduated from theological seminary after losing both her legs in a freak pony incident. I scoured the shelves of the New Baby department and was forced to come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a tasteful new baby card. Really.
They come instead in several distinct flavours:
- Athena-like Moody Black And White Portraits of Babies
A bit dour really, and also, isn’t it a bit weird to send someone with a new baby a picture of someone else’s baby? - Strangely Airbrushed Images of Babies Dressed Up As Bees or Slugs or Shrubs
See above, plus vomitous. - Cartoony Representations of Storks
Pur-leeeease. - It’s A Boy/Girl Blue or Pink Monstrosities
Yes, I’m sure the new parents are well aware of the sex of their new family member. Surely these are supposed to be sent out to other people, announcement-style? I have visions of the new parents getting one of these cards, and then double checking inside Junior’s nappy, just to ensure the card is right. Otherwise, crying “Holy crap! Is it really? I thought it was some sort of dessert!” - Jokey Stick Figures With Bulges/Moses Baskets
Almost acceptable, and then they ruin it by including the legend “Welcoming your ickle bundle of joy” or something inside. Bah. Thwarted. - Florid Psuedo-Verse in Curly Handwriting on the Joys of New Parenthood/Nappies/Miracle of Birth etc
Just NO. Wrong on so many levels. - Storks
I realise this is a vast overstatement, but I like to think that if someone’s grown-up enough to push a watermelon out of their ladybits, then they probably know that there was no wildlife involved in the birth of their child. Unless “stork” is somehow a metaphor for “midwife” and “mulberry bush” is a metaphor for, er, “bush”.
And that’s pretty much your lot.
I remember the selection being equally poor when looking for wedding cards - if you didn’t want soft focus champagne glasses or cartoony brides running after grooms or sketches of elephants dressed in bridal gear, then you were pretty much stumped. Surely there must be a market for something a bit more tasteful? And as with hatches and matches, see also dispatches.
I ended up getting a blank card from a different department.
