I can’t remember where this particular idea germinated - might have been a conversation with someone, might have been something I read - but I’m becoming increasingly aware of a trend towards bleedingly obvious naming of television programmes.
With the rise of digital and satellite TV, customers are flicking faster through the programme guides, which means that programme makers and schedulers now need to give their creations names which mean that any fool can understand what they might get if they tune in, rather than something clever and a bit obscure. So instead of calling a programme about a man in prison Porridge, these days it might be Behind Bars.
This is because programme makers have to assume that people are morons. Witness the terrestrial schedule in the UK for yesterday, tonight and tomorrow.
In the table below, the first column is the name of the programme, as listed on MyDigiGuide (Channel 4 and five are taken from the equivalent information on the Radio Times schedule). The middle column is my guess of what the programme might be about, based on the name and without clicking through to the relevant description. The third column is a snippet from the actual description. The final column rates how I did.
| Programme Name | What might it be about with a name like that, then? | What’s it actually about? | Score | Three’s A Crowd | If it weren’t for the fact that this was pre-watershed BBC2, I’d say this was about threesomes. Bet it isn’t, though. Affairs, maybe? Love cheats? | “Claudia Winkleman presents the love triangle dating show.” | 3/5 |
| Safe As Houses | I think this is supposed to be ironic. I think the show’s actually about what happens when houses kill - fall down, domestic accidents, that sort of thing - either that or people losing all their money when investing in property. | “Property show exploring the stresses of moving, with estate agent Emma Basden and builder Jason Maloney. | 5/5 |
| Selling Houses | How to make your house sell. Or a fly-on-the-wall documentary about estate agents. | “These days there is absolutely no excuse for not being able to sell your house. Let’s face it, there are enough television programmes presented by bossy people who are only too happy to tell you exactly what you are doing wrong. “ | 5/5 |
| The City Gardener | Man helps people design, create and tend their gardens in urban areas. | “Matt James returns with a new series offering advice on how to improve city gardens.” | 5/5 |
| MacIntyre’s Big Sting | I’d love for this to be about a man in a bee costume, but I think it’s probably more likely to be Donal MacIntyre exposing some nefarious activity or other, involving hidden cameras and set-ups. | “Documentary with investigative journalist Donal MacIntyre. In this car crime special, MacIntyre invites car criminals on the run from the police to join him at a star-studded corporate event. They think they are in with a chance of winning a sports car, but are actually facing arrest.” | 4/5 |
| So What Do You Do All Day? | Profiling people with strange professions. | “Documentary series in which Adrian Chiles follows the daily routines of public figures.” | 2/5 |
| Danger On The Beach | Dangerous things happening at the seaside. Surfing accidents, shipwrecks lifesaving, things like that. Or maybe pollution - turds and ringpulls killing baby seagulls? | “Documentary series following the work of coastal rescue teams.” | 4/5 |
| Secrets and Spies in the Iraq War | Secrets and spies in the Iraq war, perhaps? | “Documentary revealing how the Iraq war was fought behind the scenes and away from the frontline, with the Americans running a secret campaign of electronic warfare, satellites and collaborators.” | 5/5 |
| What The Romans Did For Us | Things that the Roman civilisation invented which have become familiar today. | “The innovations and inventions brought by the Romans to Britain.” | 4/5 |
| Britains Best Back Gardens | I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it’s a roundup of Britains best back gardens. Call it a hunch. | “Stephen Anderton, Janey Auchincloss and Lucy Summers travel around the country looking at some outstanding domestic back gardens.” | 5/5 |
| Weddings From Hell 2004 | When weddings go wrong. Reconstructions and talking heads revealing wedding day disasters (groom arrested, wedding car stolen, vicar drunk, etc) , and probably some excruciating video footage, to boot. | “A look at what happens when the big day goes horribly wrong, featuring home-video footage and personal testimonies. “ | 5/5 |
| Taxi Nights | Fly on the wall documentary about taxis…at night - the people who use them and the people who drive them. | “Following taxi drivers in Manchester as they pick up all manner of people during their shifts.” | 5/5 |
| Escape To The Country | Property show featuring couples who want to make a new life in the countryside. | “A series which helps prospective buyers find their dream home in the country.” | 5/5 |
Plus there’s no end of shows like When Cops Go Bad, Police, Camera, Action, When Crocodiles Attack, What’s In Your Sandwich?, A Place In The Sun and Wild Weather which leave the viewer in no doubt as to what the programme might contain.
The colon is the sidearm of the canny production company, though, meaning that a programme can have an obscure name and then something which explains it to the dullards in the audience. Murder In The Jungle: Human Sacrifice in Ancient Times, Shake, Rattle and Roll: Gambling Addiction in Las Vegas and so on.
How long before we see commissioned That Girl Out Of, You Know, The Life Insurance Adverts Helps A Couple Buy A Holiday House Somewhere Nice?
You know all those programmes which are around at the moment - sometimes known as mockumentaries - what if such-and-such happened? women take over the world, fat people revolt, plane crashes on west London, you know the sort of thing?
I’ve invented a new word to describe the specific kind of dramatisation of future possibility which occurs in these programme formats: preconstruction. Like, reconstruction of events which haven’t actually happened, yet.
