“Phil?”
“Mm? [chomp, chomp]”
“How many boxes of Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes did you buy?”
“Well–”
*click*
This is the start of a radio advert featuring a man (welsh, though I don’t think that’s particularly relevant) talking to his friend while chomping on successive mouthfuls (and, we are led to believe, bowls) of cereal. He loves Kellogg’s crunchy nut corn flakes so much that he has bought a dozen boxes or so, and has invented a reason to chomp through them - some sort of prize, he tells his friend, as milk dribbles from his chin, and soggy crumbs fly.
This is not going to persuade me to buy more cereal.
Another ad, in the same series, depicts a man talking babyishly to his son:
“Now, [chomp, chomp] look how many Kelloggs Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes daddy can fit [chomp, slurp] in his mouth [slurp, chomp, munch]…”
Quite a lot, it would appear. The upshot of this ad is that the son is actually 36 years old and an MD (not sure if they mean medical or corporate, but again, it’s as relevant as being Welsh) and the father has in fact stolen his cereal because he’s such a Kellogg’s Crunchy Nutcase. My, how we laughed.
But as with the first example, this ad is extremely unlikely to make me put my hand in my pocket and fork out for sugar-coated cereal product, however tasty, because of one simple fact:
I can’t bear listening to people eat.
In most parts of life, I am a woolly liberal of the first degree - tolerant, understanding, calm and relatively unfazeable. But on this one subject, I am horribly biased.
People eating loudly…well, it ought to be banned. Forget passive smoking; passive eating - or rather, being subjected to other people’s noisy chewing - now that can be hazardous to health. Mental, mostly.
Living and working - and eating - closely with, I’d estimate, probably a hundred people over the years, you get used to a certain level of noise. Some people are over-sensitive to sounds (see some examples of sensitivity here - some of these would send me howling, others wouldn’t even register. The thing is, I don’t think I’m particularly sensitive, though I’ll be the first to admit I like peace and quiet. I also like noise - but selected sound, rather than invasive rackets.
Even after all these years, loud eating is the one trait which still sets my teeth on edge. I’m not talking about talking with one’s mouth full - that’s fine. I’m not even talking about the sound of a metal fork clinked against tooth enamel, which sends some people into convulsive fits. I’m talking about the simple (but loud) acts of chomping and chewing and munching and crunching. If I wanted to hear people eating, I’d ask to be reincarnated as a filling.
Some of the culprits include:
- Carrots
- Celery
- Tortilla Chips
- Other crisps, especially of the “posh” variety (e.g. Kettle Chips)
- Apples
- Crunchy cereal (e.g. Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes - the clue’s in the name)
- Chewing gum (for open-mouthed cud-chewing offence, rather than overt noise)
- Some salad ingredients (e.g. Cucumber - but strangely not when finely sliced)
There are some foods which are simply too damned noisy to be consumed in company - over a desk, a table, next to you on the sofa - without suitable masking (music, television, roadworks, earplugs). Enormous carrots are one; apples another. Crisps, too, are unapologetically loud. Mr Pringles, you jaunty-tached creature, I’m looking at you.
Research has shown that the perceived volume of crisp-crunching is much higher than the actual volume, unless you are the one eating them, in which case each chomp can reach a whopping 100dB inside your head, due to the proximity of your mastication and hearing apparatus. But still,
“…noise of an intensity greater than 65dB creates a 40% increase in hypertension and psychological disturbances, especially in children. At a level of 51dB, one feels general unease. The greater the intensity of noise, the more serious the psychological consequences. Studies carried out on a group of students showed, that listening to noise raises the aggression levels of listeners. After the noise was stopped, the aggression did not immediately dissipate, rather lasted much longer than the noise.”
– From this interesting article about noise levels and psychological stress.
Seriously, when people start crunching and chomping and munching near me, I have to put on headphones (if at work) or leave the room (if at home).
I, however, would not consider asking them to stop, as advised by this rather bossy woman, who seems to think one should simply change one’s husband to match one’s taste in wallpaper (or foodstuffs, or “acceptable” habits). No. There is room for compromise. I’m much more likely to tolerate P’s crunching than that of someone I’m not in love with. Thank goodness for love-powered endorphins - whatever dulls the psychological trauma, I say.
So whenever I hear that radio ad begin:
“Phil?”
“Mmm?”
..that’s my cue to dive for the radio and ker-click off (or over) it goes. I won’t be buying any Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes because I simply can’t listen to the ad without getting riled. Advertising industry, take note: If your adverts irritate me, I won’t be buying.
Noisy noise anoys an oyster, they say. Eating noise annoys me. Am I alone in this?
