So last night in our local thai cafe, I was telling the usual suspects about an utterly humiliating experience I once had in a Hungarian spa in 1993. Don’t ask. Long story. Involves nudity, slime, burns and thickset central european women with spatula hands.

Anyway, part of the story concentrated on the fact that despite travelling in Hungary for a few weeks, I only actually know three phrases in Hungarian

- “Kette nagy sör, kérem - two large beers, please,”
- “Egy sajtos szendvics, köszönöm - a cheese sandwich, please,”
- and something that a guy in a bar kept shouting at me as he drooled into a) my beer and b) my cleavage - “Puszil! Puszil! - Kiss! Kiss!” - it sounds a bit different in Hungarian - more like pussy, pussy….

So, on the topic of things sounding different Hungarian, last night I was trying to find documentary evidence that the Hungarian word for cheese (sajt) is actually pronounced “shite” - so a cheese sandwich becomes a “shite sendvich”, a cheese burger is a “shiteburger” and so on.

Is it any wonder I managed to remember that particular word when the essential phrases “excuse me, can you let me know whether that white stuff on the table is soft cheese or smoked lard before I slather it on my bread?” and “Actually madam, I’m not a Jehovah’s witness, though I can tell you are by the way you’re waving pamphlets at me” somehow eluded me.

I found no such evidence. But I did find an alternative Hungarian dictionary which has yielded such gems as “Baszom a szád szélét, Sanyikám!” (a friendly toast; literally “I fuck the corner of your mouth, my dear Alexander!”) and “szellemi rövidnadrágos” (stupid; literally “mental shorts”). And via that page of delights, I stumbled on the full alternative dictionaries project which seems to be a prime source of fantastic expressions from around the world. Marvellous. The anthropologist in me is beaming. The part of me that went to a college dedicated to international understanding is laughing its ass off. If only this site had existed ten years ago. If only….