Dec 8, 2002
On Golf Umbrellas
Please explain something to me: The golf umbrella as rain repellent in the city. I just don’t get it.
I don’t get the fact that you need something which occupies the whole pavement in order to keep yourself dry. Why don’t you just bring your living room ceiling to work?
I don’t get how you can justify employing that bulldozer of pedestrian wetness as you saunter down the street. Your brolly forces people off the pavement, hurling themselves into the rainy street to avoid your gargantuan spokes.
I don’t get your confusion if I mutter under my breath about the enormity of your shelter, or your look of dry indignation if I run and buddy up with you under your brolly – there’s room enough for two, no?
Golf umbrellas are only necessary if
- You’re playing golf (though I’m still not sure why. What, does the handle double up as a club or something? Do Golfers have especially fat heads?)
- You are the size of a house (in which case you deservedly require a roof, rather than a brolly)
- You are in the company of at least one other friend (and preferably two or three more, to share your dryness)
- You live in a place which has at least three square miles of land per occupant (plenty of room, no danger of taking someone’s eye out)
- You have mistakenly picked up your patio umbrella (or you are a picnic table. Whichever)
Regardless, I just don’t understand. And if I see you pavement hogging again next time it rains, or have to suffer the indignity of jostling past you and your porta-ceiling, or get a big fat spoke in the eye one more time, I shall not be responsible for my spoke-wielding actions.
