I’ve got a new alarm clock. It’s not very restful. I realise that the point of an alarm clock is to wake the user up, but really, this is just ridiculously offensive. Where my old alarm went

bibbiddy beep bibbiddy beep bibbiddy beep

…my new one not only tells me the date and day and temperature, but also lights up its enormous display in mysterious blue glow. But it also goes

BEEEP BEEEEP FUCKING BEEEEEP GET UUUUUUP BEEEEEEP

…which inevitably means that these days I wake up in a bad mood.

Davo suggested hurling it aross the room, and while I’m sorely tempted, the last time I did that, chaos ensued - understandably, I’m loathe to repeat the experience.

Just before I went over to study in Canada in 1990, a relative gave me one of those alarm clocks shaped like a tennis ball/baseball/rugby ball etc you’re supposed to switch off by throwing at the wall. The idea is that it then falls to the floor and goes off again, forcing you out of bed to retrieve it. So I used it for a couple of weeks before I left home, no problem.

So anyway, after the first night in my new room in the student residences at college in BC, the alarm went off; I threw it at the wall; it stopped; I went back to sleep.

At least that’s what I thought had happened.

In fact, the alarm went off, I, in my jet-lagged state had hurled it through a (closed) window, which shattered, sending shards of glass and a foam rubber cricket ball hurtling down two floors to the ground outside, where it lay beeping feebly.

A few minutes later, the Director of the college wandered past the residence on his way to the welcome meeting (which I was supposed to be at), and noticed a cricket ball beeping on the ground, surrounded by glass. Looking up, he saw my window, and the next thing I knew he was knocking on my door, holding the alarm clock and saying

“Morning, we haven’t met: I’m the Director of the college. You’re late. And does this belong to you, by any chance?”

Not a very auspicious way to begin my long academic career, I assure you.