Today would have been a perfect day for a trip out to the countryside for any city-dwelling type - or opportunist burglar - because just about every barbour-jacketted, sensible-shoed, plus-foured, tweed-hatted and body-warmered type that usually hangs about in the countryside (saying “we don’t like strangers ’round here…” or “pass the pimms” or “gerroffmylaaand” or “tally-ho” or whatever the stereotype is these days) with their high-colouring and layers of burberry and barboury, was in town today for the Countryside Alliance march.

Because I live in a city, I cannot comment on any of the issues being protested by the demonstrators, but I can point out that there was a wide diversity of issues being raised on placards, badges and the like, including “Stop Ethnic Cleansing”, “Liberty and Livelihood”, “Don’t Stop Fox Hunting”, “What About The West Lothian Question?”, “Be Fair, Mr Blair” and “Enough Is Enough”. Enough what? What is the West Lothian Question? Should I know? Be fair about what?

All this mixed messaging made it particularly difficult for the bemused bystander (and there were many) to know what the march was actually about. To the average tourist, it must have looked like a particularly odd fashion show for London Fashion week.

I’ll say one thing for the Socialist Workers and Living Marxisms of the world - at least they know the value of getting a single message across. Print one protest message poster 400,000 times, give out to everyone on route. Bish bash bosh, branding and a unified message. Job done.

The other amusing thing about the marchees (?) was the way that, from 10am to 3pm, when we were out and about in the centre of town (of which, more later), they were everywhere - but heading in no particular direction.

At every tube station there were people in barbour jackets with placards getting on, and people with body warmers and tweed hats getting off. On every street that we walked down, there were people in sensible shoes with badges and beards going in both directions. We never came across a central point where everyone was gathered - but in half-dozens across the city, they wandered around with Daily Mail-sponsored stickers and slightly confused looks on their ruddy faces.

Where were they all going? Either they were easily confused by the public transport (it’s apparently possible to travel above 20mph without your head exploding, see?) and traffic lights, or there were as many distinct marches going on today as messages being waved.