So the other night I was lying in bed at half two in the morning watching Weekend at Bernies II (as you do), when it suddenly occured to me that actor Terry Kiser must surely have the most bizarre career in movie history, given that his major starring roles to date have both involved him a) not speaking and b) playing a dead body.

That reminds me; I’ve always wondered about the bit part actors on Casualty and ER and the like who sit in pumping head-wound silence, or quietly expire on a gurney. Do they get to put that on their CV?

Casualty (BBC) - October 1993 - Sleeping finger wound patient in waiting room (non-speaking role)
The Bill (ITV) - March 1994 - Woman with shopping basket in supermarket (non-speaking role)
Brookside (Channel 4) - June 1994 - Customer with a pint in the background of scene, Everyman pub (non-speaking role)

Actually, that last one was me.

The Everyman was our local when I was at uni, and we used to go there to drink ale in the evenings because we were friends with Ed, the barman. One night, we were quietly drinking when a film crew showed up and proceeded to set a scene around us, with some vaguely familiar characters at the next table. Most odd. So we just sat there and chatted and carried on as normal. No worries. Anyway, the producer, or director or location manager or whoever wandered over and said

“Hi, you’re in the background of this scene - could you possibly pretend to chat for the next ten minutes or so? Thanks”

Pretend to chat? Well, it’s easy to talk, but let me tell you it’s actually quite difficult to pretend to talk. Suddenly stuck for words to say, we started saying mumble mumble mumble and rah rah rah and rhubarb rhubarb to each other, and being extra-animated in our facial expressions and gestures. A parody of chatting.

Nevertheless, they left us in the frame, and when the episode was aired, (the only episode of Brookie that I’ve ever watched), there we were in the background, gurning like idiots.

Back to my original point - Weekend at Bernies II sucked enormously, althoug I have since learned that Terry Kiser has since appeared in a film entitled Your Aura Is Throbbing which sounds either monstrous or quite brilliant. Has anyone seen it? Heard of it?