This is like one of those verbal reasoning tests, isn’t it?

What is the travel equivalent, anyway? The sort of person who believes that if they go away they will be mugged and shot and get dengue fever and end up falling off a cliff or kidnapped in the jungle by rebels. Nervous traveller doesn’t seem to encapsulate it properly, somehow…

Anyway, anyone who suffers from any mild form of this disorder (whatever if may be called) should steer well clear of the Foreign & Commonwealth Office advice on travelling overseas, which makes every country seem perilous, every journey as if it might be a trip into the heart of darkness.

I’d love it if the FCO did a site about trips to, say, the newsagent:

Newsagent, West End Lane
Last updated: 26 September 2001
Still current at 09 October 2001

Most visits to the newsagent on West End Lane are trouble free

SAFETY AND SECURITY
Visitors should be vigilant at all times. Recent incidents at the newsagent on West End Lane have reflected a trend towards aggressive change-giving incidents and mumbling into the cash register.

Queueing for a lottery ticket is becoming increasingly common.

LOCAL TRAVEL
Following rainstorms in September and October 2001, there are a number of water hazards (’puddles’) which visitors should take pains to avoid.

Visitors should also note that many paving stones on the approach to the newsagent have been badly damaged and repairs may take several years, according to Camden Council. These stones represent a possible tripping hazard. Extra care should be taken. All visitors should ensure they have taken out comprehensive insurance before they travel.

LOCAL LAWS AND CUSTOMS
Visitors should avoid making eye contact with the locals. Visitors should ask for their newspaper in a non-confrontational and submissive way.
Visitors should endeavour to have the correct change for their purchase if at all possible.

HEALTH
Visitors can expect to encounter difficulty breathing in the first (entry) third of the shop, near the cash register. This is due to the proprietor smoking 90 Rothmans a day.

Other destinations in the series: The Local Pub, Your Girlfriend’s Parents House, The Tube Station.