To: Armenian deli-from-helli across the road from the office
From: Meg Pickard, loyal customer (mornings: latte/marmite on toast, lunchtimes: mineral water/salad/baguette) AKA “Lady”
Subject: GREEK SALAD
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Hi (lady),

I just got some of your ‘greek salad’ to go with my cheese baguette this lunchtime. It looked so yummy in the chiller cabinet, I just had to have some.

Now, I realise you’re Armenian, not Greek. I’m not Greek either. But I know a thing or two about Greek Salad, namely that the aforementioned salad should not contain

• mushrooms (!!!)
• avocado (!!)
• sun dried tomatoes (no!)
• mozarella cheese (!!!!) or
• hair (eck!)

Just thought you might like a bit of friendly customer feedback. Oh, incidentally, you overcharged me, too. Again.

Not to worry, though.

Meg. xxx

p.s. I think it’s a definite sign you need a holiday when you start having strange dreams about Okinawa dragons and the bloke behind the cash register at your local sandwich emporium.

Update, later:
Jen, a kind reader, wrote to let me know that next time I’m screwed round by the deli-from-helli (see below) I could liberally employ the Armenian word “Esh-egg” (phonetic transcription), which roughly translates as jackass.

I think I’d probably end up with yak shit on my toast if I did, though.

Mind you, yak shit… marmite…. what’s the difference, frankly?